GIVING & GETTING SUPPORT FOR PROSTATE CANCER

Help for you and your partner
Your spouse or partner has prostate cancer. If you are like most couples dealing with prostate cancer, it has placed a strain and some special needs on your relationship. How the disease affects sex and intimacy between you may be one of your major concerns. Whether it is or is not, you face a range of other emotional pressures and psychological issues. You cannot hide. You have to cope… and you can. Here are some tips that can help you give support to your partner, and get the emotional support you need.

Learn all you can about prostate cancer and its treatment
The more you know about prostate cancer, the more you will know what to expect in terms of treatment, side effects and outcomes. Armed with knowledge, you can begin to remove some of your uncertainty and anxiety. You will have a better idea of what your spouse or partner is facing. You can help him act to become informed, to understand available treatments, and to make decisions about how to deal with prostate cancer. By helping your partner, you will help yourself.

Ask for help
Watch for signs of depression in both you and your partner. Seek professional help as soon as you think it is needed. Ask for help of any kind when you need it. Accept it when it's offered.

Look for a prostate cancer support group and attend together
Don't face prostate cancer alone. It is likely that a prostate cancer support group exists in your community-or nearby. Seek it out and share your challenges with others facing the same challenges. Getting and giving help will strengthen your sense of community and provide a strong sense of support.

Keep the lines of communication open
Communication is critical during this stressful time. Talk to your partner about how you feel and encourage him to speak openly and honestly with you. Let him know that the disease, and the consequences of it, is not "his" problem alone-it is a problem that you both share.

Ask the doctor questions
Go with your partner to his doctor visits so you can hear first-hand what the doctor has to say. Take notes and keep them with your medical records. No question is a dumb question, especially about prostate cancer. And never stop asking questions as long as you have them.

Deal head-on with your feelings about his impotence
If your partner becomes impotent, you probably will have strong feelings to deal with. The emotions can be very complex. Remember that these emotions are normal. Acknowledge them. You are not alone - 30 million individuals in the U.S. have partners who have developed erectile dysfunction because of prostate cancer.

You need to defuse your own emotions so you can deal with the impotence itself. Solicit your partner's support to solve the problem. To get a dialog going, try a simple statement such as, "I have a problem and I need your help." This will take him off the defensive. Then tell him how you feel. Encourage him to share his feelings. If you are non-demanding, your partner should be open to talking.

If you both want a sexual relationship that includes intercourse, your next step is to get good information about your options for treatment. Visit your doctor together to talk about the problem. The best way to calm the emotions, reduce fear and resolve the impotence is to consider, as a couple, your options for effective treatment.

Take good care of yourself
Last but not least, take time to do the things you enjoy. Give yourself time to grieve. Understand and accept your limitations.

What to expect
Prostate cancer can be hard on your relationship. Cancer is difficult for anyone. Prostate cancer can be even harder to face because of the effect of the disease on male sexuality. It is typical for a man with prostate cancer to experience many different and often confusing or conflicting emotions that can strain a relationship:

• He may feel depressed, angry, anxious and fearful.
• Despair over prostate cancer can change to hope, then quickly back to despair.
• He will be concerned about his masculinity and the impact of prostate cancer and treatment on his sexuality. If the prostate cancer impairs his ability to have an erection, he may avoid any kind of sexual activity.
• He may worry about keeping his job and supporting his family.
• He may be embarrassed about his prostate cancer and self-conscious of his body. He will worry about medical tests, hospitalization, and treatment.
• He may feel sorry for himself and become withdrawn. He may be uncomfortable sharing his feelings about prostate cancer. He may become non-communicative.
• Depending on his specific prostate cancer treatment, he may experience physical changes, including weight gain, hair loss, hot flashes, and fatigue.

As the partner of a man with prostate cancer, dealing with his emotions can be difficult and exhausting. There will be more stress in your life and your relationship. There will be more chance for miscommunication and misunderstanding that can lead to hurt and feelings of loss, isolation or anger on your part. If his sexuality is impaired by prostate cancer, you may struggle to deal with it-even if he remains attentive and loving. The good news is that there are strategies, tactics, and techniques for successfully dealing with his emotions and yours. Thousands of couples have learned to cope with prostate cancer. They have found ways to take back control of their lives and continue a happy and fulfilling relationship.

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